Steve's Marriage Counselling
by NowAskYourself-WhatWouldLokiDo
Summary: Because it was bound to happen. The Captain of America decides to take his new found talent to the test. Starting with the most mentally unstable couple the 9 Worlds have ever seen...


Steve's Marriage Counselling

Because it was bound to happen…

* * *

Steve sat in a red plush chair, holding a clipboard and adjusting his Captain America shield that lay against the chair. Sigyn and Loki who was in a full body cast sat across from him awkwardly.

A few moments passed as Steve continued to adjust his shield. Loki cleared his throat then grimaced. Steve quickly looked up.

"Hello! And welcome to Steve's marriage counselling. How about we start by asking a simple question. Why have you two come to me today?"

Loki blinked. "Did you seriously just ask that?"

"Because apparently we need help," Sigyn grumbled.

"You need help," Loki mumbled under his breath. Sigyn reached across and Charlie horsed him before smiling sweetly at Steve.

"In my opinion I think we're perfectly fine," Sigyn smiled, leaning back in the couch that thankfully didn't smell like hopelessness like the last one. Instead it had that nice new couch smell.

"You…hit him with a car…" Steve began.

"No I didn't," Sigyn smiled sweetly.

"Yes…yes you did. The proof is right there, he's sitting right beside you," Steve stuttered, pointing over at Loki who was trying to scratch an itch with his cast arm.

"No I didn't," Sigyn said sternly. Loki instinctively looked up with warning eyes and stared directly at Steve. He seemed to mumble, "Do as she says…"

"We are a perfectly happy couple," Sigyn smiled and leaned over placing a tender kiss on her husbands lips. Loki squirmed.

"_It burns_,"

"What was that," Sigyn growled.

"Nothing, nothing," Loki pleaded, trying to wiggle himself away from his wife.

Steve squirmed slightly, adjusting his grip on his clipboard. He gave his genuine smile then looked down at the letters scribbled on his page. "Moving on. Loki, how about you tell me a bit about your wife,"

"She's mentally screwed up,"

Sigyn quickly through herself to the side, causing Loki to fall off the side of the couch. Steve wiped the sweat from his forehead and drank from his flask which contained just straight water. "Sigyn, was that really necessary?"

Loki flopped around on the floor. "I can't get back up."

Steve stood up and placed the god back on the couch, steadying him before he tumbled over again.

"So back to the basics. Loki how about…"

Sigyn placed her hand up. "Look Captain whatever country, we've been through this before. It didn't work with the last counsellor, what makes you think it will work with you? Don't you have anything new?"

"A insane asylum with your name on it…"

Sigyn turned sharply to glare at her husband. "Excuse me?"

"I said nothing, you're obviously hearing things again sweetheart,"

"Hmmm…" Steve thought. "Well, when I took my internet coarse on this stuff they taught me a few games that we could try. Some relationship stabling mind games,"

"Ooh yay, we get to play musical chairs and some eye spy," Loki rolled his eyes. Sigyn looked at him.

"You don't even know what those games are!"

"Moving on. Ok our first game is a fun movement game…" Steve trailed off and looked at the Norse God who glared at him from under his cast. "First, we're going to have to set up some chairs…"

"We are playing musical chairs!" Loki shouted.

"We are not playing musical chairs!" Sigyn growled. Both her and Steve stood up, assembling a few chairs in a circle.

Steve thought for a moment. "For this to fully work we're going to have to move that couch…"

Sigyn pulled the couch out quickly, causing Loki to fall to the ground with a thump. "Ow."

"I guess that works…" Steve turned and grabbed a oven mitt from the counter. He quickly walked into the kitchen then returned with a object wrapped in tin foil.

"What is that and what are you doing with it?" Loki asked as Sigyn placed him into a chair.

"It's a potato,"

"What?"

"Did you just say a potato?"

"What are we going to do with a bloody potato!?" Loki shouted.

Steve balanced the potato in his mitt. "That comes later, but first…" He grabbed a jar off the counter that had pink and purple lines swirling within it. "Surprise!"

"What is it?"

"Magic in a jar. Thor got it from Asgard. Its designed to heal even the worst injuries. Pretty nifty huh?"

Loki blinked. Steve twisted the lid off the jar then through its contents at Loki. "Catch,"

The pink and purple lines danced around him before they seemed to disappear into the walls. Suddenly, the God of Mischief stood up without falling over.

"It…worked," Loki began tugging the casts off his body tell he was in nothing but a pair of underwear. "Oh yeah,"

"Put on some clothes!" Sigyn yelled. Loki glared back at her. "Oh, I'm sorry princess but where am I supposed to get those?"

"How does a man even become that pasty?" Steve blinked. Loki rolled his eyes, then rushed out the door and down the halls of Stark tower towards his room.

Steve and Sigyn looked at each other when suddenly a smile crept across Sigyn's face and her eyes softened.

"Hey if you're ever available…"

"Oh I'm sorry mamn, but I don't date the mentally insane," Steve smiled politely. Sigyn stood up suddenly, clenching her fists.

Loki rushed back into the room, wearing a green t-shirt and black pants that he still didn't have completely on. The wall beside him suddenly was missing.

Sigyn's hands were outstretched towards the wall beside Loki, a purple mist floating around them. Steve was holding his shield in front of him protectively.

"Ok…lets try not to blow up anymore walls…"

* * *

The group was assembled in a circle, all sitting in chairs. Steve held the potato in his hands with the mitt still on.

Loki paused. "Ok, I'm going to ask the question we've all been wondering. What is that for?"

Steve juggled the potato. "Well, its for the game. Basically its like hot potato. We all pass the potato around. Every time you get a hold of it, you say something you like about your partner. You cannot pass the potato until you say something."

Sigyn shrugged. "Easy enough,"

Steve removed the glove from his hand.

"Question…why are you playing?" Loki asked.

Steve smiled. "I like the excitement. You first," Steve quickly threw the potato at Loki who clumsily caught it.

Loki clenched the potato in his hand. "This isn't even that ho…SHIT!…" Loki quickly tossed the potato at Steve.

"You didn't say anything. Its still your turn," Steve threw the potato back, "Oh and lets keep the language PG, ok?"

Loki caught the potato again. "Your hair!"

Sigyn caught the potato that flew at her face. "Your throwing skills," She glared.

Steve caught the potato. "Whew that's hot!" He threw it at Loki.

"I'm out of things to say…OWW! Your driving skills!"

"Your eyes,"

"Your lips!"

Steve blinked. "Guys, I'm still playing…"

Loki and Sigyn ignored him.

"Your fashion style!"

"Your mental instability!"

Sigyn held onto the potato for a moment. "What did you just say?"

"Um…nothing?"

Suddenly a potato was flying across the room. It struck Loki in the chest and sent him crashing to the ground. The God of Mischief bent over in pain clenching his stomach.

Steve ran and picked up the potato. "The potato is not a weapon!"

"You know what! This is stupid!" Sigyn through her hands up and stormed towards the door.

"Wait! We're not done yet!" Steve rushed forwards, dropping the potato on Loki's back who was still bent over in pain. He quickly fell to the ground.

"Oh yes we are!" The door slammed. Steve ran for the door.

"Your next appointment is in 3 weeks!" Steve called out.

He turned to see Loki rolling on his floor. "Are you OK?"

"Is she gone?"

"Yes,"

Loki stood up slowly. "Thank the gods,"

Steve picked up the potato and brought it back into the kitchen returning to see Loki pacing across his room.

"Um, perhaps I'm not the best counsellor for you two…"

"You handled it better then the last ten,"

"I'll take that as a compliment," Steve grinned.

"Ug, I could really go for some shawarma,"

"You don't even like shawarma…" Steve questioned. Loki looked over at him.

"Right now I don't really care,"

"Fair enough,"

With that the two left the room with the tipped over couch to go enjoy some fresh shawarma. As the door closed a loud crashing noise rang through the apartment and then the roaring of engines.

"My legs!"

"Was that a car!?"

"My entire body!"

"Not again..."


End file.
